Published November 18, 2024

Solo aging can be difficult for anyone who does not have the right support system, but solo aging as a member of the queer community can pose a whole different set of challenges. Lori is part of the LGBTQIAP+ community and also embraces her Japanese American heritage. LGBTQIAP+ stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Queer Intersex Asexual Pansexual and is a growing community for those who do not identify with the gender norms typically categorized in society.

Lori grew up as male assigned and always knew that her body did not feel right; that it was not the true version of herself. For many like Lori, she had to hide this truth and grow up as her birth-assigned gender. Before transitioning to female, Lori was a plumber for the city, had a wife, and pushed down the thought of being queer. As the years went on, the thought of being queer became more vibrant. 

“The first time I cross-dressed was when I was married to my then-wife. We were the same size: shoes, pants, dress, everything. It felt comfortable and so natural.” Lori then found friends who were also part of the LGBTQIAP+ community, and she started to cross-dress more. However, the stigma of having to be a man was always in the back of her mind. At one point, she did put aside the thought of being a woman and tried to live as a straight man. She hid it from her friends and did her best to be that classic image of a man. 

A New Beginning

About seven years ago, Lori was tired of hiding who she was, and she posted on Facebook that she is queer. “I did a general broadcast, and I was just so nervous about what the reaction would be. It turns out I got nothing but support, especially from some of my close friends that I talked to. Even if they didn’t get it, they weren’t negative.”

Lori started to begin her transitioning journey to become a woman. She began taking progesterone shots and attended meetings for people who want to transition. However, she is currently hesitant to take the next step of scheduling gender reassignment surgeries. “I am scared of being out in the world as a woman because right now I can pass as a guy, which is easy, you know? I have done it my whole life.” 

Attending counseling meetings has helped Lori feel at ease since she can talk with people going through the same journey. Although she is the oldest in the group, she still found solace in befriending these individuals. A little while after Lori came out as queer, a friend recommended she attend a meeting at Gardena Valley Japanese Cultural Institute hosted by Okaeri, a Japanese/Japanese American LGBTQAI+ group. At first, Lori was pensive about attending the meeting, but it turned out to be one of the best things that she could have done. 

Freedom of Expression

Lori was able to connect with both her Japanese American heritage and the queer community through Okaeri. She eventually became a member of PFLAG in the Alhambra chapter, which is the first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their families, and allies. Although Lori is no longer in any romantic relationships, she feels like she is living life to the fullest by being part of these community groups, attending Los Angeles Rams watch parties with her friends, and hanging out with her cats at home. She may not have children or a life partner, but she has found her chosen family with those who accept who she is and help her strive to be a better person.

“Retirement was the best thing that ever happened. I’m a whole different person. I was putting up a brave front for years, but inside I was super pissed. But that’s all gone now. Most of it was learning about mental health, becoming part of that community, and coming out.” 

Being a solo ager and a person who identifies as queer is a difficult journey, but with the right support and people around, it might feel more like home than before.