Disclaimer: The following article talks about terminal illness, death, and grief. Although Warren does not fit the definition of a solo ager, he lives his life independently without assistance.
“Until Death Do Us Part” — A vow that most people have heard or have said themselves when taking a vow with their loved ones. But as we age with our partner, the conversation of what will happen when one of us passes looms over our shoulders.
John’s Take is a podcast by Keiro where John Nakaki talks to people in Our Community about various topics such as work ethics, health, and even sports. In this episode of John’s Take, John spoke to Warren, a member of the Japanese American support group called Continuing Education for the Nikkei Widowed. Warren is from the small island of Maui, Hawai’i and was an engineer in the army for most of his life. He has traveled all over the world for work but ended up settling in Los Angeles after he retired.
Battle with Cancer
John: Where did you meet your second wife?
Warren: I started working at a start-up company in Anaheim and that is where I met her. When I finally retired, we enjoyed it. But that was when my second wife came down with lung cancer in 2016. After we got married, we went to Taiwan to meet her family and we were planning to do our honeymoon around all the islands in Taiwan. We planned it but never got to do it.
John: So she was diagnosed, and it was very rapid?
Warren: It was a routine check-up and this time they decided to do a chest x-ray. So when they did the x-ray, that was when we found out. If they didn’t do the x-ray, then we would not have known. She didn’t smoke, and they called it non-smoking lung cancer. As soon as we found out, she did chemo then radiation then surgery. They took out one lung.
John: How did you cope with it?
Warren: We went to a lung cancer support group. Everybody had a different story. She also did amino therapy and that worked for a couple of years. She could do stuff, and we could travel. But in her last year, the chemo and amino therapy didn’t work anymore. I was taking her to the doctor every couple of weeks to do chemo. She was about to do this trial, but when she went to have a brain MRI, she didn’t feel good. Friday she went in, and Saturday she said something didn’t feel right. Sunday she became paralyzed.
John: Didn’t someone from Home Help [an in-home caregiving service] come and help you?
Warren: No, this was before all that. Monday we called the doctor, and they told us to go to the hospital. So I called 9-1-1 and after that, everything went downhill. I then called hospice and they brought everything over.
New Journey as a Solo Ager
John: So after your wife passed, how was that transition of being on your own?
Warren: She and I talked about her passing. For me, it didn’t affect me that bad compared to other people. Torrance Memorial was pretty good. They called me [after she passed away] and [asked] me if I needed support for all this, but I told them I was fine and didn’t need it. About six months later, they called and checked up on me again asking if I needed anything. The last thing they did was send me a card, and I thought that it was good that they had that support.
John: So what does your day look like now?
Warren: I do line dancing three times a week on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I just joined Planet Fitness so if I have nothing to do, I just go there.
John: When did you get involved with Continuing Education for the Nikkei Widowed?
Warren: My cousin, who is going to be 95, has been a member since they were only 6 members. After a year had passed of my wife’s passing, she asked, “Why don’t you come and join the group?” And I said, “Okay.” We meet once a month, and there is good fellowship and we get together, eat, and tell stories. It has helped.
John: What advice do you have for someone who is going to be experiencing what you have gone through?
Warren: I think it depends on the person. I would say to join a support group. When we joined the cancer support group, that really helped. Talking to other people that are experiencing the same thing really helps.
To listen to Warren’s full story, please click here.
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